how to paint a self portrait

first
wash the make up off
watch it run down the drain
black eye liner
and concealer
layers of who I am not.
next
unzip the sweater
shrug arms out
first left then right
put it on the ground
next
pull off jeans
the hole in the knee will tear more
ignore
throw on to bed
next
mix paints.
black and white
and aqua for your eyes.
stand in front of mirror.
open&thenshut eyes.
look at self
for the first time
baptize self in glance
up and then down
scan body,
notice scars
notice blemishes
notice belly
notice anger
notice fear
take brush
dip in paint, first black.
paint legs, paint toes, paint
the tender skin inside the knee.
paint underwear. paint shirt. paint arms.
wash brush. watch the black paint
follow the eyeliner down.
dip in white.
paint hands.
right with left
and left with right
close mouth
paint face paint cheeks
spread paint like rouge.
close eyes.
dip fingers in aqua.
layer on eyelids,
open eyes,
keep painting them
until you can no longer see.

i choo-choo-choose to be awful. mmkay?

so i begin.
it is the summer of perfecting.
start with my excess ten pounds.
end with my unpolished poetry.
by the end, maybe i shall be
a literary bombshell.
or possibly just happy.
(and that is good.)


my brother sticks out of my family
like a strawberry in a blueberry patch.
he is handsome and charming
easily making people comfortable
and fall in love with him.
he is lithe and atheltic and goes to the gym.
the rest of us--well, we're certainly not pretty.
one sister is 19 but is really 10.
the other 10 and cries in the room next door
hoping that someone will take her hand in this new place.
i'm fat and awkward and can't catch balls.
my mum can only see shadows
and my father is even more awkward still.
no wonder that when he who thinks himself perfect
comes to see us
he feels so superior.
(at least we are learning to love ourselves for who we are.
not love how well are what others want.)

ready set here we go again

i'm thinking
that it's going to take longer than expected
to change this world
and that i will need to take time
out of my busy schedule
playing tetris and listening to music
to learn how.

ah change.
you've become so much my enemy
that i'm afraid to put out my hand
and shake yours, vigorously,
until we can agree

(our differences have changed)


summer. mm.
fruity.
juicy.
sunny.
nummy.
i will lay in your grassy arms
and sneeze my love for you.
and i will love you even after
your first fruits have fallen.
and until all your fruits have fallen.
i'll secrete them away
and kiss your living trees
with their sticky scent.
mm. summer.


the Old Forest is in my backyard.
and I can see Buckland through it.
I'm nine again, and I'm carrying a basket
to collect mushrooms and nostalgia.
(both delicacies and loved well
by hobbits and me.)


hey you squrriel
outside my window
stealing nuts and my dreams
let's be friends
and you can show me how to climb trees
and i will show you how to think.
soon we'll teach each other everything
and girl and squirel can write a book
about how holy god we're all quite the same.
(though squirel is still best at climbing trees)


sim.ple.y.
me. not.
com.plex.
oh.no.