how to paint a self portrait

first
wash the make up off
watch it run down the drain
black eye liner
and concealer
layers of who I am not.
next
unzip the sweater
shrug arms out
first left then right
put it on the ground
next
pull off jeans
the hole in the knee will tear more
ignore
throw on to bed
next
mix paints.
black and white
and aqua for your eyes.
stand in front of mirror.
open&thenshut eyes.
look at self
for the first time
baptize self in glance
up and then down
scan body,
notice scars
notice blemishes
notice belly
notice anger
notice fear
take brush
dip in paint, first black.
paint legs, paint toes, paint
the tender skin inside the knee.
paint underwear. paint shirt. paint arms.
wash brush. watch the black paint
follow the eyeliner down.
dip in white.
paint hands.
right with left
and left with right
close mouth
paint face paint cheeks
spread paint like rouge.
close eyes.
dip fingers in aqua.
layer on eyelids,
open eyes,
keep painting them
until you can no longer see.